Beat-Beat and Tick-Tock.

Hand to Hand
And
Heart to Heart
Creating these things--
That scare me.

Happiness and Heart-Soaring Hiccups in my Whole.
A
Word
After
A
Word
Is power
When it's accompanied with time
And a interlocked handhold.

Theology challenged
In the
Face of
what fits better than
A
Heartbeat that ticks.

Friend, you are my best
And
I will be your best
Because I decide
With a mind
that could challenge
Scholars.

And I'll challenge you--
My heartbeat, my joy.

Because that is what being a heart means.

It means a him and me
Because together we are
We--

Time.
That is the definition of proof.
Beat-Beat and Tick-Tock
Goes the clock of us.
Light this fire--
And hold my hand even
Tighter.

Because I choose to forfeit fear
And
Throw them to
The array of yellow lilies on my bed-stand.



~Rachel~

Certainty.

We walk through the land of the certain.

We cascade through days

Like it's

Nothing.

And oh, we are certain

Of what we feel

And positive of

Nothing

When certainty breaks

Like glass.

And I, the viper

And he, the snail

And I, the butterfly

And he, the bear.

We know of everything

Until the dawn

When proportion is

Nothing.

And feeling is

Everything

But feeling shifts like

the

Flicker of streetlights

In Amsterdam

And Country Gables.

So I, the child

And he, the adult

And I, machine

And he, the operator.

Dizzy up the lines

Like it's

Nothing

Oh, certainty is

Nothing.

~Rachel~

My Lion.

Often in life we are encouraged to face fears, to chase lions, to humble ourselves and be in the center of a scruple we wish to run from. Sometimes those are cages of our own making; the inescapable reality of humanity and the woes it has inflicted on you while you inflict it on others. Other times those lions are mere creatures that look more frightening than they ought.

This fear, this lion, was something I had to face. So I walked with confidence and reliance on my ability to enclose myself with brick. Oh, you know the travesties of one who has far too much emotion--but not I, the solid, the brick, the wall, the red flag woman. I feel only what I choose. I am in control.

If only such a thing were true. But no, I am the paux de doux with a smile like a china doll. I am joyful, but I am porcelain. I am solid, but I am glass. I am that wall as long as it is not that fear that makes my walls incinerate on contact. (That fear, that lion, was the thing I loved most in the world. That dance, that song, that structure, that comfort... that death of self, the death of it, the death of a love that was never meant to last.)

But Oh, I faced it, and I stared it down.

That lion and I shared smiles about how I could not tame it. I am no circus keeper you know. That lion is wild and free, and his mate, my fear, is lovely.

The lion belongs in Africa, in some exotic and beautiful land. Oh my fear is beautiful, and I love the thrill of the chase. But she, my fear, is graceful next to the lion of Africa--and they together are a pair of paradise.

So I stand knowing I faced and smiled at that lion like a porcelain doll, and my fear and I shook hands and danced in a crowd of familiar and strange faces. But I relent the chase. For the Lion is in the beautiful lands of the exotic and new, but I am just in California, and I wear the feather's of the birds he likes to eat.

So I relent; especially on the outside.

Roam, lion. Roam free.

~Rachel~

Disneyland and Stuff

It’s funny how things change in an instant. It’s amusing how one’s life can be transformed in seven days. Spontaneity has always called my name, but sometimes my head gets the better of me. It’s ironic how the plans we make, feeling rather adult, are possibly the most immature plans we can make. We cannot build a plan inside concrete because plans change, and breaking concrete presents difficult and messy matters.

So I sit here, wondering, bracing, enjoying, and taking in the essence of living in liberation. What a wonderful thing it is to have life just a little figured out, and what an even greater thing it is to have oneself sorted out a tad. I have lived my life in a series of pulling in and out of driveways in order to establish some semblance of belonging, or at least a base of such.

But I have grown so much, and there is not much that plagues the heart these days.

I have finally learned the art of letting go; the art of the emotional skydive. I am not certain where my life is headed, who I shall be, or who I shall be with. I am only certain of this: I love my God with my whole heart, and I am at His beck and call. I have never been so satisfied, and yet filled with such a holy discontent. I love the chase, the chase after my Savior. I love how safe His arms are, how beautiful His plans are. I love how He makes life seem so spontaneous.

He has blessed me with a week of growth, with smiles that outlast the days, and with a heart full of joy, peace, laughter, and a holy longing. There is nothing else I can ask for—He is holding my universe, and spinning it at a pace more exciting than a rollercoaster.

~Rachel~

Ideal:
1.a conception of something in its perfection.

2.a standard of perfection or excellence.

3.a person or thing conceived as embodying such a conception or conforming to such a standard, and taken as a model for imitation

I am not one who prizes herself to be a planner or organizer. I am no skeptic who thinks about the ramifications of tomorrow. I am not a perfectionist, rather, I take delight in the imperfections around me. I cannot keep a calendar in order, because I believe this hinders daily creativity that keeps me ticking. I am a sensationalist, often to a fault. I like to be light enough to blow where the wind takes me, and I try my hardest to capture myself in the lack of plans surrounding my day-to-day life. That way I cannot be disappointed when a plan is broken.

I am a piece of silk; transparent and apt to float the ground when pushed off the table. I do not hit the bottom as a pencil would, rather, I take my time gracefully making my way to the carpet. You can see through me, but you can't determine where my stitching begins and ends. You can wear me eloquently, but my fabric is not built for longevity if I'm thrown with other fabrics in the washer.

We are all ideals sometimes; we are assumed to be people of perfection and grace. Truly, we are not trophies or treasures at all. In actually, we are a mere pile of flesh and bones, and I am a soul longing for a kindred spirit to behold me in my transparency and desire to know the parts that are laced with flaw and shortcomings.

Ideals undo one's mortality by creating temporary fantasy out of flesh. It's a tragic truth for all parties involved. Those who have been assumed to be a pinnacle of perfection can never live up to their name, and those who create the beastly fantasy are never satisfied with a flawed reality...

If we could only love and see with open eyes and willing hearts.

~Rachel~

Circles.

July is the month of choice
Where things come and go,
And
The tides rise and fall
Just like the heat waves
Come and go.

Catch the Current
Or be tossed by the wind,
And
The tides rise and fall
Just like scattered beats
Of Heart-Strings.

I avoid the extremes of July 103's
That plague the air around
And
I avoid the extremes
Of the Ball-Game
And
The card-game
Where I find the King of Hearts
Only to possess the Two of Spades.

And
The tides rise and fall,
And
The emotions toss and turn,
And
The mind is in and out
And
Your spirit is in a chess match
Like July is in heat.

Everything is like a circle
And
Things are and are not what they seem.

~Rachel~

Element.

Element:

1. A natural habitat, sphere of activity, environment, etc.

2. An entity satisfies all the conditions of belonging to a given set.
3. A part that goes into the making of a complete set or compound.

I have become brilliant in living outside my element. I have grown accustomed to existing in a realm which is not my natural atmosphere. I have learned the delicate balance between an element, call, and passion. I have lived in a world outside my prone likings for the past couple of years, and I would be a fool to say it has been all bad; I've actually enjoyed a good portion of my time in this new habitat, and the new surroundings have stretched and grown me beyond what I once thought capable. I am learning to make a current element THE element, which means I am still in the process of adjusting.

Many of you know there was a very large portion of my life (12 years to be relatively exact) where I pursued Broadway. I lived it, I breathed it, I fought for it, I sweat for it, I ached for it...I desired it with a passion beyond words. Most children decide what they want to be when they grow up around the age of five, then they choose a few more times before the age of ten. Not me. I knew what I wanted from the moment I watched the Sound of Music; I wanted to be a star. I wanted to live my life on a stage. I wanted to play the role of someone new each day; I wanted to be on Broadway amidst the streets of New York, singing in the rain, and dancing merrily along. Though the childish fantasy matured, the dream never changed. I vehemently pursued my dream of being on Broadway for years, and never stopped believing I could make it. Long story short, the Lord had different plans for my life, and at 17--having lived my whole life directing my college career and goals on one thing, the door to Broadway was shut. I knew my calling was ministry (which I must confess, I was not exactly excited about at first), I knew my life was not going to be one of glamor, dance, and fame... and I knew I had to surrender my dreams and goals to the King of Kings in exchange for the plans HE had for me. Living your own dream can only be so fulfilling. Jesus has plans beyond my comprehension--and I'm still walking each day with Him figuring it out. It's a journey, and I'm a new traveler.

That is clearly the short version of the story, and if you want the more extended version of my testimony feel free to talk to me :).
All that aside, I've been given the amazing opportunity to help out with a few huge events on campus that are inside my element. One is the Night of Classics event, which is a fundraiser Jessup puts on every year for the music department. This year is a spotlight on broadway! I've gotten to sing some of my favorite pieces and come alongside some wonderful people to help choreograph and stage the event; I have had so much fun. I also am getting the opportunity to student-lead a new ensemble at Jessup that will perform some show tunes, contemporary, and modern pieces (kind of a show-choir type of vibe.) I feel enormously honored to have been asked to help with such an ensemble, and I'm so grateful God has given me the gift of these two things. However, in the past couple weeks I've experienced a few times of deep sadness...

I miss it so much.

To go from breathing something to living completely without it is slightly difficult, and I have to admit I haven't paused often enough to mourn the loss of such a huge part of my life. I also have also undergone a good amount of teasing for it, which is fine and nothing I didn't expect (I did once exist in an all-theater reality, so it was nothing short of shocking....people who are not in theater don't understand people who are in it; It's like jocks and band kids. Ha Ha), but I will be honest and say the teasing has been an area of struggle. I don't think people understand how difficult it still sometimes is to live in this new reality while I'm still new on the journey towards ministry (which I adore and love), and away from the theater. The journey that up to this point has not included any writing, dancing, or acting. The journey that includes me learning a whole new different set of skills, the journey that is new.

I often feel as if I fight against the grain-- I hear it's an artist thing. Probably true. We are a tad emotional :). I just sometimes tire of the continual teasing when I am trying so hard to pursue the Lord while having a whole set of passion's that have gone untouched for far too long.

I'm having some pretty intense conversations with God about this topic, and He has been so faithful to comfort and assure me all my striving is not unnoticed or empty. He's also made it pretty clear my 'element' inside the arts is going to be used for His glory, and it will not be abandoned or lost: That is a huge source of comfort.

I am learning, I am growing, and I am just a young woman who loves the Lord with all her heart is trying her hardest to live a life abandoned to Him.

So, God.... Where to from Here?

~Rachel~