Tassels Turned

Here's Something I wrote on the bus to Oregon! Nature has it's perks :).


The tassel is turned to the left side and the combination of gold honors and black string blend together nicely. It's a funny feeling, you know--not having any paper to write or position to take. But still, there's a sense of anxiousness in your stomach. You can feel the dinner you ate the night before and wonder if the feeling will ever return void. You remind yourself it's summer now and the fall no longer offers you curriculum and chapel requirements. This feeling is neither sad or happy--it simply is. The feeling exists, and I'll greet it with smiles and handshakes. Kisses are given out like they are at birth, and I guess in a funny way you are being birthed all over again.

I am proud, and I was ready

Growing up is a funny thing because it seems everybody grows up at different times regardless of their age. I am 21 on Sunday, and an intoxicated experience is the furthest birthday wish I have (this is good for many reasons, I assure you.) Instead, I think I'd rather take a hike with a picnic and be fully aware of the whole experience. I'm not much for elaborate celebrations these days (Though the surprise birthday party for my sweet 16 was a fine one.) Instead, I think I'd rather be with few who desire to hand out lilies and tickle the fancy for fantasy. Some things will never change-- that is one of the most comforting and terrifying thoughts as of late. It's funny how one thing can mean so many things while changing and staying the same day in and day out. It's funny how run-on sentences can be more poised than proper ones.

I am delighted with the present, satisfied with the past, and looking forward to the future. 

June, July, and August are one the horizon the calendar tells me.


Here is the  mindful(less) poem composed over 1500 miles in Oregon and yesterday morning.

Stories are different,
Smiles are different
Health is different
[like how they thought Margerine was satisfactory, and counseling was bad.]
 But really, it's an echo of what has stayed the same
From 2009 until today.

July is the heat
But August should release
Until things change, it seems
Summer months breathe different(same) things.

September.
                   September brings happy things

I am             different
          They   are        different

We are the same
Because we don't change
We Grow
[apart like Pangaea]

And the world stops making sense
And it's like Jack said
"We gotta swim, swim for our lives
Swim for the music that saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive."

But lyrics of "Colly Strings"
Pose questions of skin piercings
And foolish things
Like calling and sleep.

This pen and paper keep sanity and building
Grounded
So I won't shake a thing
No, I can't shake this thing.

So I'll write and write
Like it could actually change a thing.

[Margarine leaves an aftertaste]


 ~Rachel~
 






 

Holistic Paradoxes

I exist to write, not write to exist.

I stare to see, not see to stare.

I breathe to live, not live to breathe.

Words are

Powerful,

And

Pens are material.

And it is

Eternal.

Mind and body—

Holistic.

Soul and spirit--

Perhaps

Mystic.

My heart beats for

Me

And my mind knows

Certainty

And my spirit feels

Eternity

While my soul knows

Infinity.

I exist to be, not be to exist.

I stare to notice, not notice to stare.

I breathe to feel, not feel to breathe.

I take passing for granted.

                                                    I wrap flowers in foil.

In my head and out my fingers.

I hear all these words. I conjure up all these responses. I see these things. I react with poise.

Perhaps it's the monotony of the school year, and my dire need for spring break. Maybe it's the juice fast, and the high blood sugar levels. Maybe it's none of those things, and maybe it's just the rain, me, or my ever-present desire to graduate. I do things in seasons, you know:

I'm vegan, I'm hipster, I'm a theater girl, now I do opera and stuff. I write and then I don't write at all. I'm over things and then I'm not. I have friends, and then we all move on, move out, and get new friends. I'm a lily growing in a greenhouse [because I maintain the color yellow even when it's raining tar in March.]

I say the things on my mind, and shortly regret it. 

 

The trees outside are surely blooming, and despite their interesting scent, I am inclined to say I enjoy the newness of white petals rather than protruding roots. I don't really like roots--they are far too fragile. Anything which connects you to a life-source makes me uneasy. I know it's almost April, but all at once I forgot where March was and wish it were June [never July--I hate July, you know.] 

It's possible I finally reached the point while crying during testing [I don't recommend it], where I realized my brain feels too tired and my heart too weak while my legs are still strong. I've never been a good handler of the every day things--though I'm the best around at dealing with catastrophe. The little words and phrases pile up into a tornado that places me away from Kansas and leaves me in an apartment with a cat, the 12th cup of Green Tea, letters you should have discarded long ago, and eager blood-flow to the fingers.

Maybe all these things are just thoughts scattered on a blog after a long few weeks of midterms, at the end of the day I think all this introvert needed was a healthy dose of extroversion--but I'm aware this lily can look barbed wire and some times other flowers love to look and not to play [the gardener is giving 'miracle grow' to remedy this most unfortunate event.]

Time For Bed. The Morning Comes Quickly.

[when your dreams become harder to remember.]

~Rachel~

Obedience.

The very word conjures up a myriad of emotions ranging from a solemn demeanor to outraged fists. My reactions to it are often polarized, and I admit, I'm not always sure which emotion is orthodox enough to affect the orthoprax of it's calling. Still--I release the me in order that I may have more of Him and leave the rest up to chance (because I believe there are possibilities in this universe that are open.)

There's a garden growing outside, and I'm fully aware I have to plant the flowers in order for them to grow. But you see, I have this thing about the process and I've been dealing with it before I took the plant from the sheltering pot (which protects and hinders all at once). Dirt is messy, but without it the plant can't grow. I'm aware of the obedience which must take place, and I've not been afraid of it for a while now. Though I will say it can be somewhat saddening at times when you realize you thought you obeyed in the first place and in return received lashes of (re)growth years.

Enough of my writer's processing. On to the natural ,the explainable, and that which makes partial sense to those who aren't inside my head.

Wednesday is the beginning of Lent and Mike and I are going on a 40 day juice fast. This means a few things:
1. We bought a juicer
2. We are going through the book of Mark together
3. If Michael becomes emaciated, I take no responsibility--the juice fast was his idea.

In all seriousness, I'm super excited to embark on this Spiritual journey with him. You know you've found a winner when they suggest to go on a juice fast. (Ladies, take note: That's the mark of a good boyfriend.) I'm sure during these 40 days, I will be posting updates and recipes.)

That's all for the day.  I'm going on a walk--a long one where I look at houses I'll probably never live in and think of all that has and hasn't happened.

~Rachel~

Fallen Fast(ing).

 There is an excess of desires I tend to label ‘need’ when their reality is ‘want.’ There is an excess of emotions that are intrinsic rather than focused out and up. There is a reality of myself that is wrapped up in mirrors rather than eyelids. There is a lack of control and an abundance of self.

But I am so freely able to trace my footsteps and justify each one.

There is too much sleep, and not enough unrest. There is too much running, and not enough stopping. There is too much busy, and not enough to do. There is too much intellectualism, and not enough action. There is too much action, and not enough prayer.

But I am careful to do the minimum so as not to inconvenience myself for burn-out.

There is a man outside who is hungrier than I, because I’m just fasting for 21 days. It’s interesting what an achy side and pounding head will do to your thoughts—you start to feel a need for strength, and thus beckon your voice to prayer more often than you’re used to (I’m pained to confess—the hunger and lack of coffee gets to me that way). Now don’t get me wrong; fasting isn’t a remedy for selfishness…. Only continual choice to be selfless and pursuit of the Creator’s heart can accomplish that. There are tweets I read that call for action to stop sex-trafficking—A cause that particularly pains my heart because the body is the temple of the in-dwelling of the Holy Spirit, and something that defiles that because of the broken and fallen reality of our sin causes my hands to tremble for fights. It causes me to toss and turn. On Wednesday and Thursday, it caused me to fall to my knees and stand in the gap for every soul being maliciously devoured by the relentless hand of evil.

But why don’t I pray and think like this always?

During the fast I’ve committed to pray for several things; one being Spiritual healing in my extended family. Once again, I’m embarrassed to say I have not shed so many tears (for the prayer of Salvation and Redemption) over my family members in my entire life. Did it not bother me to see them walk away from the Son of Man who saved my own soul? Did it not cause me to flinch thinking of the darkness? Did I care too much about my own feelings, and too little about the eternity in the Kingdom of Heaven? Unfortunately, absolutely. I don’t want the passionate plea for Salvation to end when 21 days is up and I partake in my first cup of coffee. I don’t want to be a person who loves the great commission in Cambodia, Africa, Mexico, and Sacramento, but forgets her own bloodline. I don’t want to be the same after white bread is reintroduced and my stomach is full.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am

 For YOUR Kingdom come-- as I walk from earth unto eternity.

 ~Rachel~  (still learning)

Holy Hunger, Batman.

Today is day two of the 21 day fast. Many of you who attend Sunset Christian Center have joined in this amazing opportunity, and I am sure many of you have already been experiencing the great woes of hunger pains.

After praying about this particular fast, I was certain I should commit to fasting two things specifically: Coffee (otherwise referred to as one of my major forms of life-source), and all breads. I've also made the decision to fast listening to music while driving, and severely limit my amount of dairy-intake. It's day two, and I confess I've already found myself attempting to rationalize the possible modifying of my fast. I live with a few other great girls in an apartment, and though they are all incredibly supportive of me during my fast, I cannot ask them to cease brewing their glorious coffee in the morning, nor can I ask them to refrain from baking anything delicious (though I've considered it) ... hence, I'm already sensing the difficulty this fast is going to bring forth.

It's crazy how in our moments of hunger, complaining, and griping, the Holy Spirit still lends His tender voice to us in order to bring words of life and encouragement. He reminds us of the reasons why we are fasting, and then we find ourselves inclined to lift our voice in prayer. The hunger melts into a  fast which then becomes a tangible source of intimacy with Christ. There's no amount of coffee in the world than can fill the hunger for Spiritual encounters.
                                          God is truly a God of Grace, and I am entirely human. 

A word of encouragement for you who are committing to the fast: If you haven't already written what specifically you are fasting and praying for during these 21 days, I would implore you to do so. Blind fasting makes for an absentminded diet where hunger consumes you. When you have something which plagues your heart and passion which eats you from the inside-out, the move to pray for strength and encouragement will become easier. Be sensitive to the voice of God, commit the NIGHT BEFORE (Talk to Ryan Silva) to spending time in the word and in prayer...make the decision the NIGHT BEFORE to not break your fast and be in continual communication with the Father. Let Him be the strength we will all so richly need.

None of us are perfect (if you think you are, I would love some tips), and I can almost guarantee all of us will slip up at least once, but commit to getting back on your feet and pursuing the lifestyle walking in the amazing Grace and Hope He always has for us.

Cheers to fruits and veggies.

~Rachel~

No Clever Title.

So the curtain begins to close on yet another semester. It's incredibly nostalgic and strange to look back on the past two and a half years of my life and note all the changes. Since I have made the executive decision to only let nostalgia haunt me when I'm feeling rested and mentally capable, I will not discuss such things at length on this blog today. I am not rested--and the only thoughts running through my head are thoughts such as: "Remember to note the picardy third! Beethoven, why do you hate me? Macgamut, I will end you. Exogesis, not Eisogesis..." Really, quite insane. In short; it is finals week, and I am tad stressed. Moving on.


Life is a myriad of choices that
Capitalize on the essence of free will
And
Poor judgment. 
But those choices we will label 'poor'
Make the next choice
Wiser.
So we pose the question:
Is any choice really unwise if it makes us wiser?
Perhaps mistakes are defined by that we refuse to learn from
And not poor decisions.

But
Yesterday is like a cloud,
And I wake up in the body of one
I used to know not.

She's grown to be quite the
Lovely young lady
You know--
She can hit you in soft spots
Without needing to appologize
If you really deserve it.
But she still decides to
Lend an ear
To those who lavish love.
Sometimes.

She goes back to the bedroom
And it's like a fog of yellow
Until she realizes she's been dreaming
Of Band Names, Lilies, and speeches from friends
Who have known the story that ended.

She wakes up and resolves to write the novel
Still
For there is processing to be done.
And
She thinks she likes this scene better.

There can't be a mistake at hand
If the poor decision made you
Wiser
And caused you to freefall
Into green arms handing you yellow lilies for things
Like anniversaries.
I think I'd do it again. 

~Rachel~