Fallen Fast(ing).

 There is an excess of desires I tend to label ‘need’ when their reality is ‘want.’ There is an excess of emotions that are intrinsic rather than focused out and up. There is a reality of myself that is wrapped up in mirrors rather than eyelids. There is a lack of control and an abundance of self.

But I am so freely able to trace my footsteps and justify each one.

There is too much sleep, and not enough unrest. There is too much running, and not enough stopping. There is too much busy, and not enough to do. There is too much intellectualism, and not enough action. There is too much action, and not enough prayer.

But I am careful to do the minimum so as not to inconvenience myself for burn-out.

There is a man outside who is hungrier than I, because I’m just fasting for 21 days. It’s interesting what an achy side and pounding head will do to your thoughts—you start to feel a need for strength, and thus beckon your voice to prayer more often than you’re used to (I’m pained to confess—the hunger and lack of coffee gets to me that way). Now don’t get me wrong; fasting isn’t a remedy for selfishness…. Only continual choice to be selfless and pursuit of the Creator’s heart can accomplish that. There are tweets I read that call for action to stop sex-trafficking—A cause that particularly pains my heart because the body is the temple of the in-dwelling of the Holy Spirit, and something that defiles that because of the broken and fallen reality of our sin causes my hands to tremble for fights. It causes me to toss and turn. On Wednesday and Thursday, it caused me to fall to my knees and stand in the gap for every soul being maliciously devoured by the relentless hand of evil.

But why don’t I pray and think like this always?

During the fast I’ve committed to pray for several things; one being Spiritual healing in my extended family. Once again, I’m embarrassed to say I have not shed so many tears (for the prayer of Salvation and Redemption) over my family members in my entire life. Did it not bother me to see them walk away from the Son of Man who saved my own soul? Did it not cause me to flinch thinking of the darkness? Did I care too much about my own feelings, and too little about the eternity in the Kingdom of Heaven? Unfortunately, absolutely. I don’t want the passionate plea for Salvation to end when 21 days is up and I partake in my first cup of coffee. I don’t want to be a person who loves the great commission in Cambodia, Africa, Mexico, and Sacramento, but forgets her own bloodline. I don’t want to be the same after white bread is reintroduced and my stomach is full.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am

 For YOUR Kingdom come-- as I walk from earth unto eternity.

 ~Rachel~  (still learning)

Holy Hunger, Batman.

Today is day two of the 21 day fast. Many of you who attend Sunset Christian Center have joined in this amazing opportunity, and I am sure many of you have already been experiencing the great woes of hunger pains.

After praying about this particular fast, I was certain I should commit to fasting two things specifically: Coffee (otherwise referred to as one of my major forms of life-source), and all breads. I've also made the decision to fast listening to music while driving, and severely limit my amount of dairy-intake. It's day two, and I confess I've already found myself attempting to rationalize the possible modifying of my fast. I live with a few other great girls in an apartment, and though they are all incredibly supportive of me during my fast, I cannot ask them to cease brewing their glorious coffee in the morning, nor can I ask them to refrain from baking anything delicious (though I've considered it) ... hence, I'm already sensing the difficulty this fast is going to bring forth.

It's crazy how in our moments of hunger, complaining, and griping, the Holy Spirit still lends His tender voice to us in order to bring words of life and encouragement. He reminds us of the reasons why we are fasting, and then we find ourselves inclined to lift our voice in prayer. The hunger melts into a  fast which then becomes a tangible source of intimacy with Christ. There's no amount of coffee in the world than can fill the hunger for Spiritual encounters.
                                          God is truly a God of Grace, and I am entirely human. 

A word of encouragement for you who are committing to the fast: If you haven't already written what specifically you are fasting and praying for during these 21 days, I would implore you to do so. Blind fasting makes for an absentminded diet where hunger consumes you. When you have something which plagues your heart and passion which eats you from the inside-out, the move to pray for strength and encouragement will become easier. Be sensitive to the voice of God, commit the NIGHT BEFORE (Talk to Ryan Silva) to spending time in the word and in prayer...make the decision the NIGHT BEFORE to not break your fast and be in continual communication with the Father. Let Him be the strength we will all so richly need.

None of us are perfect (if you think you are, I would love some tips), and I can almost guarantee all of us will slip up at least once, but commit to getting back on your feet and pursuing the lifestyle walking in the amazing Grace and Hope He always has for us.

Cheers to fruits and veggies.

~Rachel~

No Clever Title.

So the curtain begins to close on yet another semester. It's incredibly nostalgic and strange to look back on the past two and a half years of my life and note all the changes. Since I have made the executive decision to only let nostalgia haunt me when I'm feeling rested and mentally capable, I will not discuss such things at length on this blog today. I am not rested--and the only thoughts running through my head are thoughts such as: "Remember to note the picardy third! Beethoven, why do you hate me? Macgamut, I will end you. Exogesis, not Eisogesis..." Really, quite insane. In short; it is finals week, and I am tad stressed. Moving on.


Life is a myriad of choices that
Capitalize on the essence of free will
And
Poor judgment. 
But those choices we will label 'poor'
Make the next choice
Wiser.
So we pose the question:
Is any choice really unwise if it makes us wiser?
Perhaps mistakes are defined by that we refuse to learn from
And not poor decisions.

But
Yesterday is like a cloud,
And I wake up in the body of one
I used to know not.

She's grown to be quite the
Lovely young lady
You know--
She can hit you in soft spots
Without needing to appologize
If you really deserve it.
But she still decides to
Lend an ear
To those who lavish love.
Sometimes.

She goes back to the bedroom
And it's like a fog of yellow
Until she realizes she's been dreaming
Of Band Names, Lilies, and speeches from friends
Who have known the story that ended.

She wakes up and resolves to write the novel
Still
For there is processing to be done.
And
She thinks she likes this scene better.

There can't be a mistake at hand
If the poor decision made you
Wiser
And caused you to freefall
Into green arms handing you yellow lilies for things
Like anniversaries.
I think I'd do it again. 

~Rachel~

Beat-Beat and Tick-Tock.

Hand to Hand
And
Heart to Heart
Creating these things--
That scare me.

Happiness and Heart-Soaring Hiccups in my Whole.
A
Word
After
A
Word
Is power
When it's accompanied with time
And a interlocked handhold.

Theology challenged
In the
Face of
what fits better than
A
Heartbeat that ticks.

Friend, you are my best
And
I will be your best
Because I decide
With a mind
that could challenge
Scholars.

And I'll challenge you--
My heartbeat, my joy.

Because that is what being a heart means.

It means a him and me
Because together we are
We--

Time.
That is the definition of proof.
Beat-Beat and Tick-Tock
Goes the clock of us.
Light this fire--
And hold my hand even
Tighter.

Because I choose to forfeit fear
And
Throw them to
The array of yellow lilies on my bed-stand.



~Rachel~

Certainty.

We walk through the land of the certain.

We cascade through days

Like it's

Nothing.

And oh, we are certain

Of what we feel

And positive of

Nothing

When certainty breaks

Like glass.

And I, the viper

And he, the snail

And I, the butterfly

And he, the bear.

We know of everything

Until the dawn

When proportion is

Nothing.

And feeling is

Everything

But feeling shifts like

the

Flicker of streetlights

In Amsterdam

And Country Gables.

So I, the child

And he, the adult

And I, machine

And he, the operator.

Dizzy up the lines

Like it's

Nothing

Oh, certainty is

Nothing.

~Rachel~

My Lion.

Often in life we are encouraged to face fears, to chase lions, to humble ourselves and be in the center of a scruple we wish to run from. Sometimes those are cages of our own making; the inescapable reality of humanity and the woes it has inflicted on you while you inflict it on others. Other times those lions are mere creatures that look more frightening than they ought.

This fear, this lion, was something I had to face. So I walked with confidence and reliance on my ability to enclose myself with brick. Oh, you know the travesties of one who has far too much emotion--but not I, the solid, the brick, the wall, the red flag woman. I feel only what I choose. I am in control.

If only such a thing were true. But no, I am the paux de doux with a smile like a china doll. I am joyful, but I am porcelain. I am solid, but I am glass. I am that wall as long as it is not that fear that makes my walls incinerate on contact. (That fear, that lion, was the thing I loved most in the world. That dance, that song, that structure, that comfort... that death of self, the death of it, the death of a love that was never meant to last.)

But Oh, I faced it, and I stared it down.

That lion and I shared smiles about how I could not tame it. I am no circus keeper you know. That lion is wild and free, and his mate, my fear, is lovely.

The lion belongs in Africa, in some exotic and beautiful land. Oh my fear is beautiful, and I love the thrill of the chase. But she, my fear, is graceful next to the lion of Africa--and they together are a pair of paradise.

So I stand knowing I faced and smiled at that lion like a porcelain doll, and my fear and I shook hands and danced in a crowd of familiar and strange faces. But I relent the chase. For the Lion is in the beautiful lands of the exotic and new, but I am just in California, and I wear the feather's of the birds he likes to eat.

So I relent; especially on the outside.

Roam, lion. Roam free.

~Rachel~

Disneyland and Stuff

It’s funny how things change in an instant. It’s amusing how one’s life can be transformed in seven days. Spontaneity has always called my name, but sometimes my head gets the better of me. It’s ironic how the plans we make, feeling rather adult, are possibly the most immature plans we can make. We cannot build a plan inside concrete because plans change, and breaking concrete presents difficult and messy matters.

So I sit here, wondering, bracing, enjoying, and taking in the essence of living in liberation. What a wonderful thing it is to have life just a little figured out, and what an even greater thing it is to have oneself sorted out a tad. I have lived my life in a series of pulling in and out of driveways in order to establish some semblance of belonging, or at least a base of such.

But I have grown so much, and there is not much that plagues the heart these days.

I have finally learned the art of letting go; the art of the emotional skydive. I am not certain where my life is headed, who I shall be, or who I shall be with. I am only certain of this: I love my God with my whole heart, and I am at His beck and call. I have never been so satisfied, and yet filled with such a holy discontent. I love the chase, the chase after my Savior. I love how safe His arms are, how beautiful His plans are. I love how He makes life seem so spontaneous.

He has blessed me with a week of growth, with smiles that outlast the days, and with a heart full of joy, peace, laughter, and a holy longing. There is nothing else I can ask for—He is holding my universe, and spinning it at a pace more exciting than a rollercoaster.

~Rachel~