There is an excess of desires I tend to label ‘need’ when their reality is ‘want.’ There is an excess of emotions that are intrinsic rather than focused out and up. There is a reality of myself that is wrapped up in mirrors rather than eyelids. There is a lack of control and an abundance of self.
But I am so freely able to trace my footsteps and justify each one.
There is too much sleep, and not enough unrest. There is too much running, and not enough stopping. There is too much busy, and not enough to do. There is too much intellectualism, and not enough action. There is too much action, and not enough prayer.
But I am careful to do the minimum so as not to inconvenience myself for burn-out.
There is a man outside who is hungrier than I, because I’m just fasting for 21 days. It’s interesting what an achy side and pounding head will do to your thoughts—you start to feel a need for strength, and thus beckon your voice to prayer more often than you’re used to (I’m pained to confess—the hunger and lack of coffee gets to me that way). Now don’t get me wrong; fasting isn’t a remedy for selfishness…. Only continual choice to be selfless and pursuit of the Creator’s heart can accomplish that. There are tweets I read that call for action to stop sex-trafficking—A cause that particularly pains my heart because the body is the temple of the in-dwelling of the Holy Spirit, and something that defiles that because of the broken and fallen reality of our sin causes my hands to tremble for fights. It causes me to toss and turn. On Wednesday and Thursday, it caused me to fall to my knees and stand in the gap for every soul being maliciously devoured by the relentless hand of evil.
But why don’t I pray and think like this always?
During the fast I’ve committed to pray for several things; one being Spiritual healing in my extended family. Once again, I’m embarrassed to say I have not shed so many tears (for the prayer of Salvation and Redemption) over my family members in my entire life. Did it not bother me to see them walk away from the Son of Man who saved my own soul? Did it not cause me to flinch thinking of the darkness? Did I care too much about my own feelings, and too little about the eternity in the Kingdom of Heaven? Unfortunately, absolutely. I don’t want the passionate plea for Salvation to end when 21 days is up and I partake in my first cup of coffee. I don’t want to be a person who loves the great commission in Cambodia, Africa, Mexico, and Sacramento, but forgets her own bloodline. I don’t want to be the same after white bread is reintroduced and my stomach is full.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am
For YOUR Kingdom come-- as I walk from earth unto eternity.
~Rachel~ (still learning)