Wednesday, October 10, 2012


There is.
There has been.
There will be...
Oh, there was

Faulty lines in skylines above the horizon.
And I knew it every step of the way.
Infinity is different these days
Than it use to be,
But I am convinced this is better.

There is this sapphire that speaks eternity
But this time,
Oh this time,
I can see it happening
Without the world burning
Around me.

A glance,
A smile,
A touch
Oh, there was
A      touch.
And teary eyes were clouded
By salty skin.
And even the sweetest sin
Could not ruin this moment.

There is.
There has been.
There will be
Oh, there is
This yearning in horizons less faulty
And a touch on skin less salty
And familiar, (so familiar) longings

And a saphire jewel with a longer eternity
Without worlds and stars burning.
Smoke signals!
They make the sky turn pink
And this time,
Oh this time I think..

But, I seem to think less.
Cardiac Arrest!

Life comes out of death.

There is.
There has been
There will be
Oh, there will be
New chapters and beginnings
With a heart wrapped in lilies.
(though they are not always yellow) 


Wednesday, September 19, 2012


I woke up on the other side of someday the other day:
It’s nice there, and the grass really is
And lilies are more potent that
I thought they would be.
It exists in actuality.
(And they don’t come in the shape of flowers we make.)

I woke up with a pounding headache
But that’s nothing short of shocking
Due to the obscene amount of
Coffee, car accidents
And  three years of
Something’s I’ve been suppressing.

It’s fading into technicolor.
And bleakness disappears.
(Like wishing I’d get a phonecall after all these years)

The other side of someday smells like
Cider and Funfetti;
Everything I’ve ever loved
But you don’t taste the calories
(which is good, because I like to watch my figure lately)

The other side of someday
Has blue eyes for days
And a calendar with real dates.
The other side of someday burns
(Like the passion in my heart that’s been waiting for a lighter)

I’ve been a flame,
But now we’re a fire
                                  Burning to the scent of cinnamon and fall.
And so it’s finally okay to fall…
                                                    Thoughts, love, ambition, feeling.

Springtime: April or May.
The end of the other side
 Of someday.
And actually? 
                                                       I wouldn't change a step along the way.


Tuesday, July 31, 2012


It's funny how a city changes things;
I80 West.
Rewind and Freeze.
The beauty of a different art museum makes a world of change. 

Checkered Blankets.
A smile, a touch, a smirk,
Knowing looks and a box of cupcakes.

I remember the hair tuck.
Behind the ears--
It reminds me in a good way.

A hill too steep
A beach I'd like to stay at.
It's windy--
Hair blown.
You block the wind.

Father Time is finally on my side. 

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Road to Yellow

Life is composed of various paths and journeys. These paths and journeys often lead us to places where we never thought we could go. Suddenly that which we thought we lacked courage for is the very thing that causes us to abandon ship.We hold down the fort and learn to camp in dirt while the wilderness calms itself.

As a very dear old friend pointed out today, I am much more eloquent in my writing than I am in my speech. Perhaps that is because I have the gift of the edit button and the sense to proofread while my mouth lacks the backspace and malfunctions with speed. Who knows; there is an intellect disconnect, and I choose to believe it will be an endearing quality one day.

I have been on many journeys, you see. I like to think I have relationally traveled the Americas and seen many sights. I would not change a thing, you know. Why? Because once your eyes have seen the beauty of Wisconsin contrasted with Death Valley, you are a changed person. I am educated in matters of the heart, and I have graduated Cum Laude.

I began these journeys running full speed like the athlete I am not. I think it whipped me into shape enough so I learned how to walk. After walking I decide stagnation was a good rest. So I have done the marathon, stayed still, walked, crawled, and lied on my back. I think I am ready to run again--I'll start slowly this time, though. I'm about the warm-up these days. I'm about needing to catch your breath and feeling the soft winds of new on my face. I'm into surprises, hiking, and freefalls...except I plan to take my rope for a while.

It's a terrifically terrifying thing to be free and in very little control. It's like the old times--- Except healthier. We all know I'm all about health these days.

 Especially if they make beautiful brownies with me.


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Batting of Eyelashes

My pearls hang straight.
It is exactly the time you chose
And the coffee stains on my apron dry quickly
As not to disappoint the image of perfection.
I am a lady.
Eggs over hard and sourdough Toast--
Cast-Iron Skillet.  

There, There
Pats on the back with
Intertwined fingers
The cookies are almost done baking.

Don’t cry, and bite my handkerchief
I hand it to you and put
Salt in my eyes to dry them
Before mascara touches your shirt.
I ironed it and it’s perfect that way.

We walk, laugh, and smile,
And Ice Cream coats the Sweet Tooth.
I go home, hug and console
Lock myself in
And throw poems in blankets.

My Pearls Hang Straight.
I guess it’s only duty—
Most likely of my own making.

The pie is burning!
I’m a lady. 


Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Spiders in July

Rising and Shrinking

   Falling and Falling

        Further and Farther

                Away from little voices reminding me

                                                                        Where this land exists.

And it’s colder than it ought to be in here.

Blue spider’s venom

And purple veins

Crystallize these arms and legs

Sliding up

A cactus

                                                         And the map has turned inside out.

Arizona feels like Arctic

And penguins switch partners

Like Rabbits

Eating away at that which is not theirs

And the garden sings major fourths

To the give brides fertilized isles.

(though I want sagebush to scratch their feet.)






I will be silent

Sleepy and too tired

Awakened inside

Alive and breathing.

Oh, Breathe.

Believing in sun.


Born to love in flames

Beneath that

Yearning I feel in purple veins

                                                                    Holding spiders webs closely

And it’s frightening to know exactly what you’re thinking.

But I know not the web inside:

Radically resisting

Aching and

Crashing and

Hoping and Praying

Everything will resist

Lilies and fields of green.

                                                        And it's made in the terrace of Rapunzel’s mind.

The Tower has a Door.

The Tower has a Door.

And many posses keys.


Monday, May 21, 2012

Tassels Turned

Here's Something I wrote on the bus to Oregon! Nature has it's perks :).

The tassel is turned to the left side and the combination of gold honors and black string blend together nicely. It's a funny feeling, you know--not having any paper to write or position to take. But still, there's a sense of anxiousness in your stomach. You can feel the dinner you ate the night before and wonder if the feeling will ever return void. You remind yourself it's summer now and the fall no longer offers you curriculum and chapel requirements. This feeling is neither sad or happy--it simply is. The feeling exists, and I'll greet it with smiles and handshakes. Kisses are given out like they are at birth, and I guess in a funny way you are being birthed all over again.

I am proud, and I was ready

Growing up is a funny thing because it seems everybody grows up at different times regardless of their age. I am 21 on Sunday, and an intoxicated experience is the furthest birthday wish I have (this is good for many reasons, I assure you.) Instead, I think I'd rather take a hike with a picnic and be fully aware of the whole experience. I'm not much for elaborate celebrations these days (Though the surprise birthday party for my sweet 16 was a fine one.) Instead, I think I'd rather be with few who desire to hand out lilies and tickle the fancy for fantasy. Some things will never change-- that is one of the most comforting and terrifying thoughts as of late. It's funny how one thing can mean so many things while changing and staying the same day in and day out. It's funny how run-on sentences can be more poised than proper ones.

I am delighted with the present, satisfied with the past, and looking forward to the future. 

June, July, and August are one the horizon the calendar tells me.

Here is the  mindful(less) poem composed over 1500 miles in Oregon and yesterday morning.

Stories are different,
Smiles are different
Health is different
[like how they thought Margerine was satisfactory, and counseling was bad.]
 But really, it's an echo of what has stayed the same
From 2009 until today.

July is the heat
But August should release
Until things change, it seems
Summer months breathe different(same) things.

                   September brings happy things

I am             different
          They   are        different

We are the same
Because we don't change
We Grow
[apart like Pangaea]

And the world stops making sense
And it's like Jack said
"We gotta swim, swim for our lives
Swim for the music that saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive."

But lyrics of "Colly Strings"
Pose questions of skin piercings
And foolish things
Like calling and sleep.

This pen and paper keep sanity and building
So I won't shake a thing
No, I can't shake this thing.

So I'll write and write
Like it could actually change a thing.

[Margarine leaves an aftertaste]



Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Holistic Paradoxes

I exist to write, not write to exist.

I stare to see, not see to stare.

I breathe to live, not live to breathe.

Words are



Pens are material.

And it is


Mind and body—


Soul and spirit--



My heart beats for


And my mind knows


And my spirit feels


While my soul knows


I exist to be, not be to exist.

I stare to notice, not notice to stare.

I breathe to feel, not feel to breathe.

I take passing for granted.

                                                    I wrap flowers in foil.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

In my head and out my fingers.

I hear all these words. I conjure up all these responses. I see these things. I react with poise.

Perhaps it's the monotony of the school year, and my dire need for spring break. Maybe it's the juice fast, and the high blood sugar levels. Maybe it's none of those things, and maybe it's just the rain, me, or my ever-present desire to graduate. I do things in seasons, you know:
I'm vegan, I'm hipster, I'm a theater girl, now I do opera and stuff. I write and then I don't write at all. I'm over things and then I'm not. I have friends, and then we all move on, move out, and get new friends. I'm a lily growing in a greenhouse [because I maintain the color yellow even when it's raining tar in March.]
I say the things on my mind, and shortly regret it. 
The trees outside are surely blooming, and despite their interesting scent, I am inclined to say I enjoy the newness of white petals rather than protruding roots. I don't really like roots--they are far too fragile. Anything which connects you to a life-source makes me uneasy. I know it's almost April, but all at once I forgot where March was and wish it were June [never July--I hate July, you know.] 

It's possible I finally reached the point while crying during testing [I don't recommend it], where I realized my brain feels too tired and my heart too weak while my legs are still strong. I've never been a good handler of the every day things--though I'm the best around at dealing with catastrophe. The little words and phrases pile up into a tornado that places me away from Kansas and leaves me in an apartment with a cat, the 12th cup of Green Tea, letters you should have discarded long ago, and eager blood-flow to the fingers.

Maybe all these things are just thoughts scattered on a blog after a long few weeks of midterms, at the end of the day I think all this introvert needed was a healthy dose of extroversion--but I'm aware this lily can look barbed wire and some times other flowers love to look and not to play [the gardener is giving 'miracle grow' to remedy this most unfortunate event.]

Time For Bed. The Morning Comes Quickly.
[when your dreams become harder to remember.]


Saturday, February 18, 2012


The very word conjures up a myriad of emotions ranging from a solemn demeanor to outraged fists. My reactions to it are often polarized, and I admit, I'm not always sure which emotion is orthodox enough to affect the orthoprax of it's calling. Still--I release the me in order that I may have more of Him and leave the rest up to chance (because I believe there are possibilities in this universe that are open.)

There's a garden growing outside, and I'm fully aware I have to plant the flowers in order for them to grow. But you see, I have this thing about the process and I've been dealing with it before I took the plant from the sheltering pot (which protects and hinders all at once). Dirt is messy, but without it the plant can't grow. I'm aware of the obedience which must take place, and I've not been afraid of it for a while now. Though I will say it can be somewhat saddening at times when you realize you thought you obeyed in the first place and in return received lashes of (re)growth years.

Enough of my writer's processing. On to the natural ,the explainable, and that which makes partial sense to those who aren't inside my head.

Wednesday is the beginning of Lent and Mike and I are going on a 40 day juice fast. This means a few things:
1. We bought a juicer
2. We are going through the book of Mark together
3. If Michael becomes emaciated, I take no responsibility--the juice fast was his idea.

In all seriousness, I'm super excited to embark on this Spiritual journey with him. You know you've found a winner when they suggest to go on a juice fast. (Ladies, take note: That's the mark of a good boyfriend.) I'm sure during these 40 days, I will be posting updates and recipes.)

That's all for the day.  I'm going on a walk--a long one where I look at houses I'll probably never live in and think of all that has and hasn't happened.


Monday, January 16, 2012

Fallen Fast(ing).

 There is an excess of desires I tend to label ‘need’ when their reality is ‘want.’ There is an excess of emotions that are intrinsic rather than focused out and up. There is a reality of myself that is wrapped up in mirrors rather than eyelids. There is a lack of control and an abundance of self.

But I am so freely able to trace my footsteps and justify each one.

There is too much sleep, and not enough unrest. There is too much running, and not enough stopping. There is too much busy, and not enough to do. There is too much intellectualism, and not enough action. There is too much action, and not enough prayer.

But I am careful to do the minimum so as not to inconvenience myself for burn-out.

There is a man outside who is hungrier than I, because I’m just fasting for 21 days. It’s interesting what an achy side and pounding head will do to your thoughts—you start to feel a need for strength, and thus beckon your voice to prayer more often than you’re used to (I’m pained to confess—the hunger and lack of coffee gets to me that way). Now don’t get me wrong; fasting isn’t a remedy for selfishness…. Only continual choice to be selfless and pursuit of the Creator’s heart can accomplish that. There are tweets I read that call for action to stop sex-trafficking—A cause that particularly pains my heart because the body is the temple of the in-dwelling of the Holy Spirit, and something that defiles that because of the broken and fallen reality of our sin causes my hands to tremble for fights. It causes me to toss and turn. On Wednesday and Thursday, it caused me to fall to my knees and stand in the gap for every soul being maliciously devoured by the relentless hand of evil.

But why don’t I pray and think like this always?

During the fast I’ve committed to pray for several things; one being Spiritual healing in my extended family. Once again, I’m embarrassed to say I have not shed so many tears (for the prayer of Salvation and Redemption) over my family members in my entire life. Did it not bother me to see them walk away from the Son of Man who saved my own soul? Did it not cause me to flinch thinking of the darkness? Did I care too much about my own feelings, and too little about the eternity in the Kingdom of Heaven? Unfortunately, absolutely. I don’t want the passionate plea for Salvation to end when 21 days is up and I partake in my first cup of coffee. I don’t want to be a person who loves the great commission in Cambodia, Africa, Mexico, and Sacramento, but forgets her own bloodline. I don’t want to be the same after white bread is reintroduced and my stomach is full.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am
 For YOUR Kingdom come-- as I walk from earth unto eternity.

 ~Rachel~  (still learning)

Monday, January 9, 2012

Holy Hunger, Batman.

Today is day two of the 21 day fast. Many of you who attend Sunset Christian Center have joined in this amazing opportunity, and I am sure many of you have already been experiencing the great woes of hunger pains.

After praying about this particular fast, I was certain I should commit to fasting two things specifically: Coffee (otherwise referred to as one of my major forms of life-source), and all breads. I've also made the decision to fast listening to music while driving, and severely limit my amount of dairy-intake. It's day two, and I confess I've already found myself attempting to rationalize the possible modifying of my fast. I live with a few other great girls in an apartment, and though they are all incredibly supportive of me during my fast, I cannot ask them to cease brewing their glorious coffee in the morning, nor can I ask them to refrain from baking anything delicious (though I've considered it) ... hence, I'm already sensing the difficulty this fast is going to bring forth.

It's crazy how in our moments of hunger, complaining, and griping, the Holy Spirit still lends His tender voice to us in order to bring words of life and encouragement. He reminds us of the reasons why we are fasting, and then we find ourselves inclined to lift our voice in prayer. The hunger melts into a  fast which then becomes a tangible source of intimacy with Christ. There's no amount of coffee in the world than can fill the hunger for Spiritual encounters.
                                          God is truly a God of Grace, and I am entirely human. 

A word of encouragement for you who are committing to the fast: If you haven't already written what specifically you are fasting and praying for during these 21 days, I would implore you to do so. Blind fasting makes for an absentminded diet where hunger consumes you. When you have something which plagues your heart and passion which eats you from the inside-out, the move to pray for strength and encouragement will become easier. Be sensitive to the voice of God, commit the NIGHT BEFORE (Talk to Ryan Silva) to spending time in the word and in prayer...make the decision the NIGHT BEFORE to not break your fast and be in continual communication with the Father. Let Him be the strength we will all so richly need.

None of us are perfect (if you think you are, I would love some tips), and I can almost guarantee all of us will slip up at least once, but commit to getting back on your feet and pursuing the lifestyle walking in the amazing Grace and Hope He always has for us.

Cheers to fruits and veggies.