Sunday, October 24, 2010

Moments and Protection.

I have pondered back and forth the idea of writing this blog in either poem or stanza form, and I'll confess, I haven't quite figured out which one I'm going to stick with. Spontaneity is the name of the game in my book these days, because I like not knowing the ABC's of what's next. Processing logistics only makes my head hurt.

There was a moment today where I felt a rewind back to months ago...and it was certainly a wretched feeling. Someone of my 5'9" stature should not feel as if she is a midget amongst terrible giants. Nor should someone who's performed amazing feats of strength feel like she's about to be crushed by a spatula. It's simply not logical, and I am definitely not a fan.

On to more important and positive subjects.

I love the feeling of being completely protected, and strangely enough, it scares me sometimes. I've had several moments of 'Dear Rachel. Run. Run away before anything goes wrong.' Clearly, my psyche has the intelligence to know my heart's an idiot-hence, I have stayed very stationary.

There was a moment today where all I could hear was the rain pounding against my parents roof and my imaginative dialogue of Jane Eyre and her woman power (I really love Charlotte Bronte.) I like hearing the sound of inner British dialogue. Does that make me crazy? Meh, probably. But who cares. I love Literature. I like the moments that are encompassed by me sitting and simply being. There are not enough of those, so when they happen, I tend to treasure them.

I guess I didn't write a poem, or even share any brilliant thoughts this time, but that's okay. I can't echo with brilliance all the time. I'm not in the Bronte or Austin tree.


Goodnight, friends.


Monday, October 18, 2010

In 15 Minutes or Less...

It is 9:47 am, and I'm choosing to blog rather than do homework. Not because I'm a bad student, but because I process through writing. It's been a big week full of every type of dream and emotion and midterm, but I've made it. Now it's Monday, and I have the whole rest of the week to look forward to. Not a task list, but a week full of the things and people I love. (That's how I'm deciding to think.. there are actually only a few things on my list I'm not looking forward to. That's pretty amazing if you think about it. I love all the things on my weekly list.)

Wherever this ends up, I like the present a whole heck of a lot. I don't want to live in the fear of the future when the present is so great, I don't want to over analyze what doesn't even exist. What the crap is the point of that? I'll answer myself: There's no point. Breathe, Rachel. Everything is going to be okay, new things are not old things. Past is past, and present is present, and future is whatever the present is.

On the same note, welcome to fall friends! I love new seasons, and this one happens to my favorite. It's high time I make an apple pie and re-read Jane Eyre(like I've done every fall for the past three years.)


I carved my first pumpkin with some of my favorite people on the planet. My pumpkin definitely looked 'special,' but that's okay... I'm no pumpkin Picasso, it was my first time, and I have a feeling their are many more to come. As minuscule as it was, it meant the world to me that my friends would put together a night just to carve a pumpkin with me. I've never really had anyone do something so spontaneously wonderful and important for me. There was no one else I'd rather spend my Friday night with.

I am in an environment that fosters love, protection, and pumpkin carvings. There's no better environment than that.

15 minutes is up. Those are my thoughts. Happy Autumn.



Monday, October 11, 2010

Don't You Know?

No, No you don't--and neither do I, and I'm starting to think that's okay because sometimes uncertainty makes you enjoy the present and forget the past. (Holy conjunctions batman.) When you live in the desert long enough, the dirt gets to your brain and you start to believe the desert is a lush forest...which is a crap reality to exist in. The past couple of years have been a bit of a desert for me and my family, what with deaths, transitions, and multiple less than ideal situations--even the desert has it's perks though; you grow rather accustomed to having dry ground. Most importantly, you learn your deep need for Living Rain... you learn your thirst for satisfying Water.

I have been blessed with the most remarkable family on the face of the planet. My parents continual love and grace towards me and my four siblings astounds me; they are saints. God knows if I had to deal with a 16 year old like I was for even a few months I would commit a murder...or something. My parents have modeled what it means to live a life devoted to Christ and family both in and out of the harvest. I have watched them walk through fire holding the hand of Jesus, all the while shaping the lives of their children. When I have children, I hope I can model even a portion of the love and leadership they have modeled to me.

All that aside, I can admit that the past couple of years have been rough. In my personal life, much of the struggle developed out repercussion of earlier choices. However, the other part of living in the desert was just every day circumstance. It's merely been a tough siege, and through that I believe our family has grown together and developed a sense of endurance.

Last year around this same time, I came face to face with my personal need for a rescuer. I reached the place where I could lay my pride aside and just bow lower than the ground to finally kiss the feet of my God. What a life-changing experience it has been to KNOW the Father's love for me and learn to heal in the covering of the scars imprinted by His wounds. I finally feel like I'm coming out of the desert-- it's been a long and dirty process, and saying I feel muddy and gross would be an egregious understatement. Luckily, the thing about Living Rain is it washes away grime so thoroughly you can't even see the stains left by it all. I'm finally experiencing the start of the harvest... I hope I produce at least a pumpkin or two, because I've never carved a pumpkin and I've always wanted to. (That was way off topic, but it's late, and I thought you might enjoy knowing slightly less serious nuggets of information. Anyway.) Suffering in the desert really does make your relationship with the Savior better. I wouldn't trade my breaking-point for the world, because it made me finally 'get' it. I can't count the amount of times I journaled the words, 'How long, oh Lord?' and finally I receive the answer 'We're almost there, my child.'

To refer to an earlier blog entry (#nerd), the difficult part of the pruning process is coming to end, and I'm finally ready to grow some new branches fertilized by the Word of God and watered by the heart of the Trinity,bursting at the seems with yellow lilies (because that's my favorite flower.)

Don't you know what's next? No, no you don't, and neither do I, but that's okay because He knows, and He's got something brilliant up His sleeve. He always does. Hey, hey Jesus... this is all looking pretty good. Thanks for cutting off all my dead branches.

You make all things new; I am a new creation.

Sing, O Daughter of Zion;
shout aloud, O Israel!
Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,
O Daughter of Jerusalem!
The LORD has taken away your punishment,
he has turned back your enemy.
The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you;
never again will you fear any harm.
On that day they will say to Jerusalem,
"Do not fear, O Zion;
do not let your hands hang limp.
The LORD your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.
-Zepheniah 3:14-17


Tuesday, October 5, 2010

An Insomniac's Nightmare.

There is no compartmentalizing
Whenever this is in question--
It's always in question
Because the escape is far-fetched at sea
And I'm in a boat without a paddle.

Living underneath the star-struck skyline
Poses the glimpse of reality in purples
And shades are a complex entity when
All you can see is black and white.

But I'm in a wheelbarrow
And its on the other side of nowhere
And I can't quite tell if these thoughts will cease
When I can lay myself down to sleep
On purpose.

The rhyme and reason is lost at sea
But the color palate and canvas is on my lap
And I'm without a paddle and painting blindly
With my fingers.
Pounding away at every brain-wave that passes
With an absent brushstroke
That poses as something beautiful and entirely modern--
But it's just overcompensating.

This is the melancholy nonsense that plague
Bed-rest and satin sheets,
And 2 am never felt so clear--
But I wake up in a haze of confusion and daunting analyzations of what 2 am meant.

Let me know if there's a remedy for the over-thinking female mind.


Sunday, October 3, 2010

My List.

There are a conglomeration of things I want to do in life before I die. Preferably not by myself, but hey, whatever works. When I was in high school, a friend and I (and by this friend and I, what I really mean is,myself--This particular friend just kind of nodded while I jotted down my insanity)made this list of things we felt should be accomplished in most people's lifetimes. On that list was things like 'Roller blade at sunset with knee pads' and 'wear green spandex for a day.' Though I became remarkably attached to that list and the person who nodded while I made it, I've actually decided that list really wasn't for that person at all. That list wasn't going to keep that person around or make them feel entitled to stay my friend just because we had uncharted territory marked up in pen on a piece of notebook paper.

With that said, I've decided honesty is the best policy. I threw away that list and started a new one a little over six months ago, and I've decided I'm going to keep adding to it. I have some really dumb things I desire to do or experience before I die, and I have no reason to be ashamed about it. Here's a few of my lighthearted favorites. (Warning: If you are an over-analyzer like me, you need to understand the numerical order is not in order of importance whatsoever. And scene.)

1. Spend a fourth of July in Disneyland or Disneyworld to see the fireworks in the happiest place on earth.
2. Stay overnight at a beach.
3. Go camping with a real tent and real campfood.
4. Cook a foreign food in the most authentic way possible.
5. Write out a recipe.
6. Write and publish a book.
7. Go to a date at a drive-in movie.
8. Buy ten used books with inscriptions from loved ones that mean something to me personally.
9. Speak on something I'm passionate about. (This is a big one, because public speaking scares the life out of me.)
10. Go to Ireland.
11. Play Belle in 'Beauty and the Beast.'
12. Go on a spontaneous date to somewhere I've never been.
13. See more of the US.
14. Work at a soup kitchen for Christmas morning.
15. Play a show of completely original songs and say nothing negative about myself afterward.
16. Punch a political protester.
17. Run over orange road cones...on purpose.
18. Buy a stranger flowers.
19. Spend a summer as a Vegan.
20. Live in the city.

Those are a few =). Hope you enjoyed.


Friday, October 1, 2010


'Pruning' is not my favorite word for several reasons. One of which being that I have a very visual mind, which translates into the visuals of 1. Prunes. 2. Senior citizens 3. Really big scissors. All that aside, pruning has been in God's vocabulary with me as of late.

Thing thing about pruning is, if you're the bystander, the effects of the pruning are fantastic; The tree looks beautiful after the work is finished, and there is not much to complain about. However, if you are the tree being pruned... you experience a whole lot of stuff before the result is achieved. You experience a strange man with an Indiana Jones hat coming towards your branches with very sharp scissors. Shortly after the shock of the VISUAL of the man and his scissors, you experience the sting of the shears on your skin (or tree-bark...whatever analogy we decide to stick with.)But still, the hardest part is to come. It isn't the fear of the scissors, or even the pruning itself that hurts the most; it is watching your branches fall to the ground and lay before eyes. It is seeing your ugly and tattered branches scattered in the dirt. It is realizing how long those branches have been attached to your skin, and wondering why on earth you were so blind to the ugliness that covered up many of your green leaves. And still, it is knowing there is more to be pruned; the work is never finished because the pruner is about achieving the fullness of your growth and beauty.

I am the Lord's tree, and I am the Lord's poem. He placed me on His canvas and painted me perfectly, but my battle with my human nature never ceases to blot awful shades on my roots. I struggle not against my own branches and life-source, but against the bugs that eat away at my core... my shortcomings, flaws, and (oh hey, Biblical term!), the rulers and principalities of this world. God has been shaping and pruning me softly, but it still hurts. There is so much about my life that God has been growing and changing, and I couldn't be more grateful for all the newness that's been brought into my life because of it. There is honestly nothing in my life that isn't at a place of surrender right now, but that doesn't mean the pruning is finished... it only means there's less of a fight. I have so many unhealthy habits and patterns that have formed a sequence of beliefs and actions in my day to day life. My inability to grasp (fully) my identity in Christ has left me to my own human understanding, and has allowed my mind to take control of the heart that is destined to beat for Him alone. Clearly this will not do... hence the pruning that is taking place. God is not just my teacher, cramming truth down my throat. God is my lover, and my painter, and I am His canvas. His gentle brush-strokes show me the love and heart that is behind all the Truth He speaks. The truth about life, and the truth about who I am.

Green is my favorite color because it represents new life. The pruning is painful, but I'm coming to the understanding that the pruning makes things green, and green is the now because He is making me a new creation.

Go green. It's worth it.