Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Thoughts. Just Thoughts.

This made me laugh, and I'm a big fan of laughing. In fact, I laugh at most things. The idea of myself flipping a table when I don't have anything nice to say would result in a lot of tables being flipped. Sure, I'm aware that Jesus flipped a table in His time, but I'm not arrogant enough to state I would be flipping a table at righteous anger... I just tend to generally lean towards thoughts that are not the nicest on the block (even if they are the funniest).

However (prepare to be shocked..) I am a relatively introspective individual; which translates into the fact that after my thoughts traveled past the hilarity of the statement made in the picture above, I began delving into deeper thoughts about myself. I have always struggled with negativity, and have covered any unkind comment with a sarcastic and funny twist... making sure I leave a conversation with people laughing. Unfortunately, a good portion of the things I have said about others at one point or another have certainly not been edifying. I don't want to be that person, because Christ wasn't that person. I want to be someone who only speaks what is helpful for building others up. I want to love fully.

Something I've been pondering is this: If we truly know even a minuscule amount about a person, how can we not love them? If everyone is made in the image of Christ, will there not be SEVERAL redeeming qualities etched in their genetic make-up? Am I so wondrous of a person to believe I ONLY have phenomenal qualities? As if. So why do I believe my own shortcomings should be accepted by others when I am unable to accept the others I'm begging to accept me? It's folly to expect acceptance when I myself cannot accept many. (That's a tongue twister.)

Now here's the kicker: As much as I will and have tried, I have no idea how to fix my issues on my own. So I'm going to ask a horribly complicated and frightening thing: I need to be held accountable. Capish? Great. I leave you with this. Enjoy, kiddos. I know I did.


Monday, September 27, 2010

Scribbles and Intentions.

We want what we want
And we chase after what we become.
We push and we strive
Until a goal is acheived.
Primevial intentions.
And there we are--
And there it is--
It is the pulse of the rhythym of the heart
That tends to speed up at the thoughts and intentions
Of we want what we want
And we chase after what we become.

Running is a past-time,
And I'm in trouble because
My feet are weary
And my mind is sore.
But staying is a pastime
And I'm in trouble
Because the rhythym of the meter of the heart
Is chasing after who I want to become.

The wind is in my hair
And we all know my hair is long enough to tangle
At the ends
And I'm chasing after solidarity
So tangles are a pastime
But the rhythym of the meter of the sound
Of the trumpets are blairing.
And the rain is on my face,
And the drops of water
Are chasing after my throat--

And living water is what I will become.


Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Delicacies of Life.

This morning I woke up to a text from my good friend Irene that said, "want to have breakfast and coffee with me?" My first thought (naturally) was, "I have so much to do today." However, my second, third, and fourth thoughts were along the lines of 'Relax.' Luckily, I listened to my groggy psyche and went to her house to enjoy a Saturday morning over food and coffee. Irene and I ended up making a beautiful french breakfast for ourselves consisting of fruit crepes, brie cheese, home-made whipped cream, eggs, and french-pressed coffee. We ate it on China plates while staring at a beautiful rose-garden; it was the best Saturday morning I have had in a long time.

Irene talked about deciding to enjoy the small things in life... like fruit crepes and coffee, and I couldn't help but listening intently to her new resolution. She talked about how being a student and working full-time had put a damper on her ability to enjoy the times she was merely relaxing. I have decided to make her resolution my own. I need to take time away from my school and work (which I really do love), and experience things just for me. I need to take time to enjoy my own small delicacies in life.

My personal delicacies include writing, cooking, dressing up, entertaining,reading Jane Austin in the park, taking long walks, and having long conversations with the people I love. I refuse to let those things take a back burner until 'my life settles down.' You and I both know life settles down when we make time for the things that count. Those things matter to me... People matter to me. I like people =), and I'm finally accepting that it's okay. I don't need to be introverted to be a perfect someone for somebody...because the somebody I'm with should enjoy exactly who I am without wanting to change the core of me. I can take time to laugh either one-on-one or with a whole group. The beauty of knowing who I am is finally being translated into understanding what I feel and what I want at any given moment.

I am really enjoying being myself, and knowing exactly who that is-- yet discovering more about my passions and desires with each passing day. Life just keeps getting better, and everyday there's a new delicacy I had previously forgotten to enjoy. Today it was a completely fattening breakfast:No carb left behind.'

Good thing eating is a Spiritual experience. God comes in all forms; today He was in my crepe teaching me a little more about my journey of self and about all the quirks locked inside the woman He made me to be.


Monday, September 20, 2010

Confessions and Quirks...

My fabulous roomate brought to my attention that their are several personality quirks I have let myself feel ashamed about, and ss I sat and pondered the reality of her statement I came to the conclusion that she was more than correct. We laughed and thought about the fact that I am more myself now than I have been in a long time--not that I'm entirely sure what that means, but I'm certain I'm excited about being myself.

I like to make lists... they help me understand things. So here is my current list of self-confessions and quirks.

1. I have eaten an entire box of strawberry milkshake oreos by myself. In one sitting.
2. I am a health-nut, but if you give me a box of cheeze-its, chances are I will ALSO consume the entire box.
3. I refuse to admit I'm addicted to coffee...I like to look at it as more of a 'comitted' relationship.
4. I can't stand dirty dishes and sponges.
5. I can't go a few hours without brushing my teeth.
6. I carry pepper spray because I seem to attract really awkward situations.
7. I may or may not be one of the most insecure people on the face of the planet.
8. I never thought I would lead worship because I was told more than once it was not my gifting.
9. If I laugh too hard I drool.
10. I like to make up nick-names that rhyme.
11. I envy people who can paint.
12. I like sitting on the floor because it makes me feel closer to the earth (yeah...)
13. I wish I was intense enough to be a vegan.
14. I have always wanted to be cool.
15. I don't think before I speak...unfortunately for me and everyone else. (I'm working on it)
16. I get anxiety if I don't floss my teeth enough.
17. I feel really validated if people read my blog.... or RT me.
18. I want to write a book.
19. I can't control my laughter more often than not.
20. When people give me 'space' I feel like they're shutting me out. Haha.
21. I stutter when I'm nervous.
22. I still have a lisp.
23. I like to leave encouraging notes on stranger's cars.
24. I am actually not passive aggressive at all.
25. I overanylyze everything.
26. I am captain bad timing.
27. I can't end my lists on an odd number...
28. I pick out my outfits the night before because I am blind in the morning and lose all sense of fashion judgement.
29. I love to serve other people. I thrive on being a 'motherly' type. I know..it's creepy.
30. I forgive others but forget to forgive myself.

That's all for now. =).


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Confessions of an Over-thinker...

It's approximately 12:24 in the morning, and I cannot convince my tired mind to fall asleep. I have been doing homework for two hours, and you would think (as logical people would think) my brain was so exhausted it could not fathom the idea of another thought, well... you are wrong. The only thing I can seem to do is think. I suffer from the disease of overanalyzation (which is not even a real word), and as I sat on my dorm bed attempting to think of a title for this particular blog post I rolled the possible scenarios of my readers around in my head and finally decided I needed to begin by confessing my sick obsession with analyzing everything.

There are not very many great memories I have from where I used to live, in fact, I try to avoid thinking about it at all cost because I'm not a huge fan of dwelling on the things that make your heart hurt. However, I had this spot in Genoa where I used to go to think about everything I was feeling. It's where I wrote my first poem and where I hashed it out with God about not wanting to be in ministry (funny how He always changes the desires of your heart when you're madly in love with and following Him). The place became so familiar to me that my mind would thrive on the ability to let itself breathe. My new mission is to find another spot like that in this place I can finally call home... hopefully I'm not too picky when it comes to 'thinking' locations--we'll see.

I think that's enough verbal spewing for one night =). Back to sleep, it's an early morning for me tomorrow. Who wants to bring me coffee?! Bueller? No? This lack of sleep is killin' me, smalls. ....haha.


Monday, September 13, 2010

Dear world:

I am an incredibly bad decision maker, and I think that's because I feel a strong emotional bond with any decision I make. Whether it's picking out the kind of mascara I want or choosing my career path, I take forever to make a decision. I'm a very committed person, and hopefully not in a creepy way. I like to do things right the first time, and I like to be all-in on whatever I'm doing. Example: Last night I went shopping for groceries with one of my favorite people(the Jessup cafeteria freaks me out, so sometimes I like to eat my own food..don't judge me, I'm an nonorganicaphobe.) I also had to pick out new mascara. Is this a life or death decision? Certainly not, however, as I'm standing in front of the endless options all I can think about it 'if I buy this and it sucks, then I'm stuck looking like a 14 year old did my makeup.' or 'if I buy this, and I really like it I won't want to try new things... and I'm not quite ready to be tied down to a brand. What happens if they sell out? Then what?!' then the other part of me says 'Rachel. Calm yourself... it's just mascara.' These problems are especially irritation when I'm grocery shopping WITH someone because I do not want to show the full measure of my awful quirks.

Which brings me to my next non-related subject:

When you don't wring out the sponge after using it to clean your dairy and carb infested plate it angers me severely. Why, you ask? Because when you do not wring out your sponge and leave it sitting in the sink with all the other nasty dishes, it collects mildew... so when you actually take the initiative to CLEAN your dirty dishes, you're not really cleaning them at all.. you're just putting mildew on your moldy food-plate. It's gross and it makes me want to punch you. During midterms last year, in a fit of passive aggressiveness I took everyone's dirty dishes out of the sink, put them in separate bags, and placed them with a bow outside people's doors with a lovely note. I'm hoping I don't get to that place again.

Back to decision making:

What if this doesn't work? What if I'm just supposed to enjoy the moment? What if I'm actually doing things all wrong? What if I'm just over analyzing the crap out of every little thing because I'm scared? I know....just breathe, right? But then comes the OTHER decision! Do I inhale first, or exhale? Long breaths or short ones?

I'll just start with that one...inhale...exhale. Everything is going to be alright. Sometimes I need to remind myself I'm really not that old, and I'm especially not very wise, so I should give myself the credit for at least knowing I do not know..right?

....I need another cup of coffee.


Monday, September 6, 2010


I am not a particularly neat person, but I am incredibly clean. From time to time I like purge my life of all things I no longer want to look at. Tonight, I purged my computer files (oh, how I love doing that..) and low and behold I found some old poems! Most of them just made me laugh, but this one? I found this one! Enjoy, friends.

A friend is a friend…
Until you define the term:
Someone who sticks around
When things aren’t sugar and peaches;
And someone who says the same things to your face
As they whisper to the sky
When your back meets their eyes.

Some people never change
Even though the years fly by,
And sometimes people repeat and repeat and repeat
The chatter of their high school dreams;
And silently, so silently you try to keep quiet as you scream,
“Homecoming was 62 years ago at my most and at your least.
And just like high school, you are stuck in a swamp of those who don’t and want to be,
You’re covered with the absent compliments spoken by those
Who absently proclaim without ever thinking.

Oh if I could only fill the room,
Fill the room to the brim
With all the nauseating compliments
That lack a heart but make perfect sense.
And community?
Community is based upon the tone in your voice and the clothes on your chest;
But these clothes cover the heart
Because we dare ridicule the passion unveiled when the mask comes off
And the brand names are removed.

If I could only fill an ocean
Oh I could fill an ocean with all the times someone thought I was something I was not
Merely based upon an absent, unending, unfeeling, and passionless judgment.
I’ve confused you enough for you to label me unclean,
Because I lack the material to be accepted into your world
Of cosmopolitan and empty beauty.

But I still try and please you.

So I fill my vocabulary with meaningless words
That drive me up the wall,
Because I just want to fit in with your crowd,
That’s all.
I desire to reach the place of uninhibited acceptance,
Like I do when you are talking only to my face.
When you know me one on one, you know me to the full,
But when it comes to standing in a room with her and her and him and him,
Suddenly, I need more.
And you are who I am here for,
So I disappear into the cycle of conformity
Until I decide I don’t need you to like me.

A knife is a knife
Until it’s in your back.
Relax, lovely;
It’s not the first time I’ve been stabbed.
But it’s the first time I’ve decided to let someone else be your walking ground,
I’ve tired of laying my body down.

A friend is a friend.
Until you define the term.

The term is the antithesis of you.