Blogging in Peets.

I haven't slept over five hours in over three days. I'm a little exhausted--and I wish I meant just physically. But no, that's too simple. I am tired. I am so tired. I have spent the past hour trying to come up with something brilliant to say, but there are never any words that are enough to start the scope of what I'm feeling. This is a brilliant game I partake in, and I don't even know how to opperate the stupid controller. I've been pushing the jump button for as long as I can; my fingers are raw from trying to opperate it correctly. Maybe honesty isn't the best pollicy. And I'm a mere ninteen year old who feels the same as she did five years ago, and I'm not quite sure what that means or what to do.

Maybe I need to order more coffee...

Naw, I have too big of a headache for that. Plus the guy at the peets counter looked at me funy, and I couldn't help feeling like he thought he knew me, which made me look down and avoid the stare into my now-'racoon with rabies' eyes. Sometimes I like to be annonymous; like when I just want to sit down and blog. Don't look over my shoulder unless you're subscribed to my posts. It freaks me out.

Maybe the goal is to not be so sure. Maybe the goal is to just use my hemp body lotion and be chill about it all. Maybe the goal is to not have goals. Ugh. My head hurts. My heart hurts more.

I just need a friend to tell me they love me.

All my italics feel like they should be #hashtags. Maybe I twitter too much. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I feel like this is a cycle that I'm caught in. Maybe I feel like I don't really even want to know what I feel. Maybe I feel like the guy behind me needs to shower and stop playing D&D. Maybe I'm judgemental.

I'm going to go have a date with Jesus now. He told me He wants me to go to come sit on His lap and cry with Him. He says that it's okay that my heart hurts. Maybe we'll laugh together (even though, I never understand His jokes.) I'm so glad He likes talking to me. I'm probably going to ask Him what He likes about me. He always has the best compliments.

~Rachel~

I swear I haven't been listening to Hawthorn Heights...

Death is all around me
I stare into her face
As the lungs are collapsing
And suffocating with the breaths she takes.

Death is who she's becoming
And it's closer than the daylight
But further than the somethings
That seem to plague the mundane
With echos of how short life can be.

And life is all around me
In the trees and in the laughs
But death is the surrounding
Living in a claustrophobic space
And growing day by day
While she never sleeps at night.

And death is whiter than snow
Yet darker than crimson.
Eternal promise is life yet to be lived
While in the physical rest
But in Spiritual vibrancy.

Death is all around me
In the eyes of her family.
Too tired to mourn
Too confused to speak
Too lonely to comfort
And too anxious to sleep.

And life is all around me
As she's on the journey to Home

No weeping
No hurting.
Life is all around the pearls, gold, and angels' songs.

And she's on her way to His open arms,
But the earth is dying,
And death is all around me as we wait to join the ones who are alive
Not in this life.

How sweet the promise
And yet how long is the wait
Causing the pale-faced wheezing and emaciated figures
To run without strength to gates of Home.

He's waiting for you,
You can rest now...
Life is all around you at the end of yours.

~Rachel~

I wish Jesus didn't want you Home with Him so much..
I'm really going to miss you...
I'll be seeing you soon then.

When a few days seems like a lifetime...

I feel so far away from a week ago; how did that happen? I'm not really sure. The only things I'm sure about include these things:
1. Bobby and I bought a cat and named him Rudo. We really love him.
2. There are still five hundred people at my house.
3. I'm exaggerating.
4. 500 people is a hard thing for an introvert to cope with; however, I've enjoyed the process of stretching myself to new levels.
5. Stretching myself means Is have been tired for two weeks.

How is it that an entire week can fly by without your mind being in it whatsoever, and yet, a single day can feel like a lifetime.

I cannot wait to go back to school; I've been yearning for community. I've been desiring academic challenge. I have been missing in-room accountability. And I have really missed 2 am Mel's fries. (Fries are my weakness.) I just want to go get pie and fries with a group again. I miss walking to the end of the hall and asking Maria's opinion on my bright yellow outfit. I miss the professors.

But above the fries, pie, outfits, academia, and community, I miss the prayer chapel till midnight. I miss reading the journal entries of classmates. I miss walking by the chapel and hearing people singing at the top of their lungs. I miss seeing the beautiful prophetic drawings. I miss Alice Mills and her imaginative prayer nights.

Jessup is like camp for me. I'm living with 200 of my closest friends and everybody knows and cares for everybody. Are their the clicks? Absolutely. Are their times where I just want to be left alone? Certainly. But, I love my school and my classmates. I am so excited for these upcoming years. I want to go deeper with people. I want to have more dates with Alyssa =). I want to decorate my room with my roomate (ASHLEE!...we hope. haha). I want to become a Spiritual leader. I want to grow exponentially in my walk with Christ, in my mind, and in my giftings. I want to develop meaningful relationships that last for always.

I want to become a stronger woman for my boyfriend. I desire to be the kind of girlfriend that is only a help, and never a hindrance. I want to pray with and for him. Is this about me becoming better? Ha. Absolutely not. It's about me growing in such a way that causes our love to become more like 1 Corinthians 13. I want to be molded into someone who loves patiently. Someone who loves with no record of wrongs. Someone who loves with kindness and goodness.

I'm so glad I was created by a God who adores me, and I'm so blessed to be surrounded by people who are patient with me.

This blog has absolutely no rhyme or reason, and I think that's okay. It's never really about comprehension anyways. It's about getting something out so you can release your thoughts to think on their own without the cement walls of processing the mundane.

Perhaps now I'll write something somewhat organized. But probably not. I like the mysterious.


~Rachel~

Good mornafternoon?

11 am has always been a confusing time for for me. Is it the morning, or the afternoon? Hmm.

Anyways. I was laying in bed last night around 10 pm wondering why I was so exhausted. I'm usually a pretty big night owl, and I hadn't had too much going on in the day so my exhausted was beyond my comprehension. Then it hit me: I forget how big of an introvert I am. I have family staying in town, and though that has been great, I have not had more than a few moments of time to myself. When I forget to spend time alone, I get worn out. Shocker? It usually is to people who don't know me very well. I'm perceived as somewhat of a social butterfly: I enjoy making jokes, I can be relatively loud and obnoxious, and I don't get sweaty and uncomfortable in large groups (I should say, I don't show that I'm sweaty and uncomfortable.) I'm actually a relatively awkward human being, and luckily I think that works for me most of the time.

I've been thinking lately... how often do we take time for ourselves? Let's all pause and think, "Well how selfish is that?!" But why do we even think that? We all get burnt out every once and a while; especially those of us who work in any sort of ministry. Serving others is the most rewarding, and yet exhausting thing there is. Is it completely selfish and crazy to take a few moments for yourself? To just sit down and enjoy things rather than pacing back and forth? I'm inclined to think not. When I get really involved in ministry, I often struggle when I find myself pouring over the Jesus-time I'm teaching others rather than spending time with Jesus myself. I get wrapped up in the teaching rather than the experience, in the learning rather than the act itself. Lately I've found myself in that spot a lot. I'm spending time and energy perfecting a servant's heart that's not serving itself. In other words, sometimes I'm running on empty and doing nothing to fill up; I'm not spending time ministering to myself. I'm not spending time reflecting, writing, experiencing. But I'm doing a heck of a job telling others to do what I say and not as I do.

For an issue such as this, it's usually not a heart problem, rather, it is a mind problem. Human beings perceive any act of service we commit should only be to serve others. The act of serving self is utterly and completely frowned upon. It is a task meant for the self-serving and lazy. But did not the Lord, Himself take a day of rest? How many of us are observing the Sabbath and keeping it holy?

Certainly not I, and that needs to change.

That's all I got for now. Back to people!...ha.

~Rachel~

Today:

I discovered how painful it is to be jousted by a fork. I was peacefully trying to eat an Enchilada (first mistake: eating Mexican food), and low and behold, the fork lept from my fingertips and proceeded to plummet towards my innocent pinky toe. Fortunately, my reflexes told my foot to move. Unfortunately, my reflexes rode the short buss to school and only moved my foot a quarter of an inch, which regrettably sent the sharp skewers of the fork into the skin BETWEEN my toes: blood was definitely drawn.

I also discovered that Daniel Tosh was right: It is impossible to frown on a wave runner. I have always wanted to fly, no, not sky dive (I never have desired to pee my pants), but fly like a bird. If you close your eyes on a wave runner (though incredibly dumb/dangerous), I'm fairly certain the sensation it gives you is an awful lot like flying. I love the freedom of not knowing what's in front of you and embarking towards it anyways.

Serious note switch: (insert high G with awkward soprano voice here)

Today I re-discovered the fragility of character. Have you ever noticed how one decision can alter a person's entire life? How desensitization happens so quickly? A person's character is shaped by day to day decisions and ongoing relationships; how fragile is the human spirit. It all comes down to choices.

How fragile is the human heart? How hungry are people for love, acceptance, joy, and peace?

How wary are the hearts that have not experienced Saving Grace. Everybody needs a Savior.

And that's what I've discovered today.

~Rachel~

Freedom shall be its name!

This blog isn't really about freedom at all; I just thought the title was fitting for such a day as this. (Being as it's independence day and all)

Confessions:
1. This is my third attempt at having a blog I like/keep up
2. I had a blog I religiously posted to in high school, but when I recently looked back to reminisce, I was reminded of why I stopped posting: my poor blog began to suffer serious verbal abuse from a very disgruntled and confused teen (...me.) In short, what was meant to be an artistic outlet for my somewhat disorganized and developing mind quickly began to resemble chapters found in The Babysitter's Club. The young heart is a very fragile entity. I had almost forgotten.
3. I like to do things in sections of three's. It keeps me on track.

With all that said, I suppose it is time to deem this my official new blog. Now, it has occurred to me that one's first entry is intended to spark unbelievable emotion/thoughts from it's preview audience so the blog may begin to build up a fan-base and such. Being as it is that I've never been very good at making first impressions, I don't know why I have decided my writings would be any different. No matter. I hope you will enjoy catching a few glimpses into my life or passing thoughts.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm into creating life to-do lists that aren't entirely serious-- it gives me goals that don't continually gnaw at me. What's on that list you may ask? Why, that's certainly not for my first entry! But here's a snapshot: I want to dance on shamrocks in Ireland while reciting an Irish proverb. Don't mock, wear a frock and join me! (sometimes I say things that don't make sense. Just laugh--it burns 10 calories.)

While I'm blogging I am hearing Disney music and watching their fireworks. I'm going to spend a fourth of July in Disneyland because everything is magical in the kingdom of princesses, family chaos, flute-driven music, blistering heat, and castles.
(Adding it to my list...now.)

There you have it; first blog entry completed. Over and out, readers. Don't operate fireworks under the influence... or something like that.

~Rachel~